Two Strangers… One Lockdown!
{12}
‘You still don’t get it, do you?’ he said letting out
a deep sigh. I was clueless about what he was trying to say.
‘I did not want to fail in front of you, Sharini. I
did not have the luxury of living with you as a failure. As a couple, we never
ventured that deep into our relationship that we could lay bare our inner fears
and passions. More than our families, friends and society, your opinion about
me mattered the most. I was under constant pressure to perform better as a
successful husband. I was scared that I would lose my importance in our
relationship if I told you that I was not going to be promoted. But that job
was killing me from inside and I was losing myself in it. I was aware that I
had no option of quitting the job because we needed that money. Although
eventually, I did quit when I could no longer take it. But it was already too
late because I was no longer myself. And that day was the end of our
relationship…’ he said closing his eyes.
A tear slid down my eye. I quickly turned away and
wiped it. This man had a storm raging inside him for so many days and yet I had
done nothing to understand his ordeal. We were so consumed with our lifestyle
and careers that we had stopped paying attention to each other’s pain and
pleasure. What were we even running after? A job? A pay hike? A new house? A
new car? Things that could be snatched away from us anytime. None of this was
the essence of who we were or what our relationship was. We had lost “us” in
our relationship. All the things that we had bought to fill our lives, had
buried our souls deep within them.
‘When did you know that you were under depression?’
‘Soon after you left our house, I could not stay there
any longer. I came back to my home in Mumbai and stayed with my mother. Initially,
she thought that I was upset because you had left me. She tried hard to
convince me to talk to you and set things right. But I had lost all interest in
life. When she observed that I was not eating, talking or sleeping properly,
she forced me and took me to our regular doctor who is also a family friend. He
diagnosed that I was in depression and referred me to a psychiatrist.
Initially, I was furious. I was angry with him and my mother for thinking that
I was insane and I needed treatment. I refused to meet the psychiatrist. My
mother tried very hard to convince me but I was not even listening to her. That
was when she helplessly reached out to my best friends Raghu and Vineet in
Mumbai. Although, our interactions had reduced, my friends were still the same.
They came to meet me the very next day. It only took them an hour of talking to
make me disclose all my problems to them. I broke down and cried
uncontrollably. They patiently heard me out and then made me understand that I
needed help. Reluctantly, I let them take me to the psychiatrist. The treatment
was a slow process but my mother and friends stood by me in every step. Once I
was back to being myself, I received your divorce notice…’
What a timing! At that moment I just hated myself for
putting him through all that. Although, my parents supported my decision to
walk out when he slapped me, they did suggest that I should at least speak to
him once before I decide on the divorce. But as far as I was concerned, the
marriage was over the moment he slapped me. No matter how much he justified it,
I could never forgive him for that. Even if we had got together, that one slap
would have stood out like a sore thumb between us. I didn’t know if I could
ever have faced him without being reminded of his slap or the way he had
behaved with me on that day.
‘For all that you had gone through, you must have
agreed to divorce me immediately, isn’t it?’ I asked him unable to stop myself.
He shook his head with a smile.
‘No. I was not ready to divorce you. I wanted to give
us a second chance. I thought that what happened between us was an act in the
heat of the moment and you were just blowing it out of proportion. But I was
not sure how to approach you and convince you to not go for divorce. So I
contacted Bhavesh uncle and he asked me to meet him the next day at Marine
Drive.’
My mouth fell open on hearing his words. My father had
never mentioned anything about this to me.
‘We were at Marine Drive during sunset and I did not
know how to begin the conversation. And then slowly we began to speak about how
our day went and that was when I told him about my depression. I did not hide
anything from uncle and told him about all my problems and the treatment I was
undergoing. Somehow, I always felt that he would understand me and he really did.
Finally, when I told him that I did not intend to divorce you. He was quiet for
a few minutes. But what he told next changed my life forever,’ he said nodding
his head.
‘What did papa say?’ I asked in a lifeless tone. Because
whatever it was that my father said, had convinced Atharva to agree for the divorce.
‘He told, “I am not saying this as Sharini’s father
but as your well-wisher. In a relationship, your partner must bring out the
best in you. Even if he/she is unable to bring out the best in you, it may not
harm you. But if your partner is bringing out the worst in you, then there is
no point in staying in that relationship. It will be toxic for both of you. Think
deeply before making your decision.”’
The cool breeze once again brought back the jasmine
fragrance. But my mind was lost in my father’s words. Was I bringing out the
worst in Atharva? Then wasn’t even Atharva bringing out the worst in me? Hadn’t
he provoked me to speak ill about him and his family?
‘I spent days thinking about what Bhavesh uncle had said.
He was right. And I certainly did not shift all the blame on you. We both were
equally responsible for ruining our marriage. And we both were bringing out the
worst in each other. Even if we had been convinced to live together, those issues
would have cropped up between us again and I did not want that. So I agreed for
divorce by mutual consent,’ he said and drank the remaining beer.
A small tinge of satisfaction warmed my heart when he
said that we both were equally responsible. At least he did not feel that I was
the only one to be blamed. But why was I still feeling guilty? Maybe because I must
have been a little more patient with him. Maybe a little more empathetic?
‘Atharva… I am sorry,’ said slowly, meaning every word.
‘Sorry for what, Sharini?’
‘I am sorry for not understanding you and your
problems. I could have been a little more patient and given some time for you
to confide in me…’
‘Sharini, we both wanted different things from life
and most of all, we did not share our inner feelings with each other. We could
have been more transparent about what we really wanted and what we did not
like. But we simply went on to make compromises which convinced us that we were
happy with what we were doing. And, remember that you did the right thing by
walking out on me at the very first slap. If not, I may not have understood the
seriousness of it and who knows, I might have even repeated that shameless act.
When I heard Eka’s experience, I was traumatised. I really wished that she had the
courage to do what you did. The day I slapped you is and will always be the
darkest day of my life. I swear I will never repeat it on any woman and I will
never be able to forgive myself for it either,’ he said and turned his face
away from me.
There was a quick
movement of his hand. Did I just notice him wipe away a tear? I was not sure. I
had never seen Atharva cry. But now, I could feel his regret in every word that
he spoke. It was as if he simply wanted to rewind time and go back to that day only
to stop himself from slapping me. Deep in my heart, I too wished to go back to
that day just to take back my words. Maybe I should have given him a hug when
he said that he had quit his job. That was what we both needed. A simple hug. Involuntarily
my hand reached out to his and gave it a gentle squeeze.
To be continued...
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