You and I, plus 2 years of marriage!

Two Strangers… One Lockdown!

{11}

‘What do you mean?’ I asked softly.

She paused for a moment. She must be contemplating if it was right to tell me what she already knew. I waited with bated breath.

‘Your husband was in depression for over a couple of months before he lost his temper and slapped you. He needed help. But things spiralled out control even before he realised that he needed help.’

Depression! I could not believe my ears. I had heard people going into depression but never seen one. Atharva was under stress at work and this was not hidden from me. But who wasn’t? All of us are stressed at our workplace. Frankly speaking, I did not take it seriously at that time. I was about to ask her more when the door-bell rang. She promptly stood up and opened the door. Atharva walked in with bags of groceries and some vegetables. She took a bag from him and placed it in the kitchen.

‘Eka, I handed a bag of essentials to aunty. I badly wanted to go inside and play with Bhuvi but I did not want to take chances,’ he said shaking his head.

‘Thank you very much Atharva. I was planning to go to the retail shop tomorrow. Why did you take so much trouble?’

‘It is no big trouble for me. Anyway, I am going to take a shower. It is better to clean up after venturing out. This virus has put everyone’s life at stake,’ he said shaking his head and went to the other room.

I mutely watched their conversation. I still could not wrap my head around the fact that Atharva was in depression. Most of all, I felt guilty for not having noticed the signs. Maybe those sleepless nights were indeed a sign. If only I had spoken to him-

‘Sharini?’

I was rudely pulled out of my thoughts by Ekaparnika.

‘I have to leave now. It is time for Bhuvi’s dinner. Moreover, I think you should directly speak to him about this. You really need to know the real reason behind his deed. Maybe it would also give him some peace. I have seen him agonize over that day for a long time.’

‘Alright, Eka,’ I said and nodded my head.

She gently pressed my hand in a reassuring manner before leaving. It made me feel better. After all the emotional turmoil blowing in my head, it was good to know that she understood me. I sat at the dining table for quite some time before I heard the noise of vessels in the kitchen. Slowly, I walked into the kitchen and found Atharva washing some rice. I went and stood next to him.

‘Hey, do you want anything?’ he asked when he noticed me.

‘Can I help you? Please?’

He thought for a moment but did not refuse me this time.

‘Sure. You could chop the tomatoes,’ he said pointing at the tomatoes that were soaked in water. He must have added some salt to the water. I picked up the knife and began chopping them on the wooden board. We both worked in silence for a few minutes.

‘So, how was it speaking with Eka?’ he asked putting the rice into the cooker.

‘I cannot even imagine the amount of pain and trouble that she must have gone through. She is a very courageous woman. Thank you for introducing her to me,’ I said with a slight smile.

‘The pleasure is mine. It takes a a lot of effort to continue smiling even after all that ordeal she faced. But then, she is a very positive person. She has that ability to see something positive in every bad situation and I believe that is what keeps her going every day. No matter how bad my day was, it only takes a few minutes of conversation with her and then you simply start feeling better.’

When he spoke about her, a smile lit up his face. I really wished it was me that he spoke about with so much adulation. Ekaparnika had told me to speak to him about his depression but I could not bring up that topic with him. I helped him cook and we both ate a simple dinner of rasam and rice. Probably, today was the first day when I had ever spent so much time with him in the kitchen. Although the dinner was not much, somehow it was more satisfying than the dinners we had shared at expensive hotels. After dinner, I also helped him clean the vessels. We barely spoke and even if we did the topic was never about ourselves. Later, I went on to the balcony and looked up at the moon. The moon was lovely curve of silver and the night was quiet. I took in a deep breath and slowly breathed out. There was complete silence around me. I don’t remember when was the last time I had experienced such serene silence in a metro city.

‘Beer?’

Unexpected intrusion of his voice startled me. When I looked around, he was standing with two beer tins in his hands. I had not drunk beer for a long time. Even during office parties, I had restricted myself to wine. Beer in his hand brought back the memories of our days when we both used to visit breweries to enjoy craft beer.

‘Yeah, sure,’ I said and outstretched my hand.

He gave me one tin and we both sat down on the balcony leaning against the wall. The jasmine had just bloomed and the fragrance wafted to us with the cool breeze. During the initial days of our marriage, we went up to the terrace of our apartment every night after dinner. We took a walk or simply sat gazing at the sky. Our conversations were fun although I vaguely remember what we used to speak. Yet I vividly remember how I felt with him on those nights. I took one sip of the beer and its sour taste felt good on my tongue. Closing my eyes, I took a few more sips.

‘The moon looks so beautiful, isn’t it?’ he asked looking up at the sky.

‘Yeah…’

‘Sharini, do you remember the nights when we used to go on the terrace after dinner?’ he asked still looking up.

I almost spilt the beer from my mouth. His train of thoughts was exactly same as mine! But was he feeling the same way as I was feeling?

‘Yes, this night brought back those memories for me too.’

‘Those were some of the best days that we spent together,’ he said letting out a sigh.

‘Do you miss those days?’ I asked instantly.

‘Do you?’

I looked away from him without answering. He did not press for an answer. Maybe we both knew our answers. We also knew that the answers would not change anything when the questions arrived too late in life.

‘Atharva, can I ask you something?’ I asked hesitantly.

‘Sure, go ahead.’

I took another sip of the beer. Adrenaline pumped through my body.

‘Why did you go into depression during the last months of our marriage?’

Instantly, he looked at me. There was no shock or surprise on his face.

‘Who told you? Eka?’ he asked coolly.

I just nodded my head.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

My voice was almost a whisper. I felt guilty asking him that question because I was supposed to have known this even if he did not tell me at that time. He shook his head and let out a smile.

‘What could I tell you when I myself did not know that I was under depression. I had slogged day and night for that company and given it my everything. I agreed to buy that flat on EMI because I was certain that I would get a promotion in my next appraisal. But all it took was just one meeting for my boss to decide that I had not contributed enough to the firm to earn a promotion. It was a slap on my dedication and sincerity. More than the loss of increment in the salary, the loss of appreciation tore me into pieces. In one day, my world fell apart and I could do nothing about it. We also had to pay the EMI for the car and our expenses were increasing day by day. I felt lost, Sharini. After moving to Delhi, I lost touch with my friends back in Mumbai and the so called friends I made in office were only for namesake. They could never take the place of my real friends. I could neither share this ordeal with my mother nor your parents. I did not want them to think that I was a loser. I started hating my job and day by day I began to get restless. But the worst part was that I lost my sleep. Although, I was lying next to you on the bed, I could not get even one wink of sleep.’

He took a few more sips of his beer. I looked at him trying to force my mind to bring back the memories of his traumatic days. Now when I think back, I can clearly remember the signs that were screaming at me that he was in trouble. Atharva had become quieter than usual, he had lost interest in our weekend outings and I had observed a couple of nights when he was awake during the night. Well, we had stopped making love to each other for months. What was worse was that, it never occurred to me that he was in deep trouble. All I thought was that we were a busy couple and eventually things would fall into place. No. In a relationship nothing heals on its own. Eventually, it will only get worse and not better.

‘Why didn’t you share any of your pain with me during those days?’

He swallowed hard and looked straight into my eyes. A sudden fear gripped my heart.

What is he going to say?

To be continued...